Wednesday, May 16, 2012

2 Years of Lonliness

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of my sweet husband Jason's death.

TWO years. Sometimes it feels like two years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like a million years have past.

Grief is a funny thing. A lot of people have told me that over time things will get better. The pain will go away. Yes I agree that things have got better, actually no, not better, easier. Things have become easier to deal with. My emotions are easier to deal with. Every day living is mostly easier to deal with. We have got into a solo-parent family routine as such now.  The pain hasn't gone away. Not remotely. I still feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I can hide the pain from others more easily. I can smile. But every night when I put the kids to bed and I am left in the quiet night alone I feel it as intensely as I felt it the day he died, In fact I believe I feel it more intensely because of the fact that I am now fully aware of my emotions and surroundings. Back in the beginning I was numb, in a sleep walking type space. I called it walking around in a bubble. But now I am out of the bubble and I feel things. I am still often gripped with a bone chilling grief that I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still happens.

Why am I sharing this?
To let everyone know that the pain of losing someone you love NEVER ends for that person. They may seem to be doing really well. They may seem to be moving on, carrying on with life, and they very well may be. But there is still that pain and grief that they are also going through. I understand that others will forget. It wasn't their lives that were turned upside down. But please remember.

To my friends, please don't be offended if I turn down social occasions that only have couples. Please don't get upset if I don't come to other things you have planned if they fall close to or on any of the hard dates I have to deal with. Please understand that I am turning you down for both our sake. Please be understanding. Because yes it has been two years, two years is a long time. But the fact of the matter is two years when you were supposed to be with someone for your whole life isn't very long at all.

So about now, while you are reading this I will be at Spring Hill Corrections Facility, the place where my husband took his last independent breath. I will be sitting in reflection in the garden that was built in his memory, laying flowers so he knows we will never forget.
I plan to go here every year. We have no grave here to visit so we will visit his memorial.

Take a moment today to think about the people who are important in your life. Call them, visit them, hug and kiss your husband/wife and children and tell them how much they mean to you because you NEVER know what will happen tomorrow.

Read about my life getting turned Upside Down
Read About Jason's Memorial Service


6 comments:

Sandra said...

There is nothing I can say to ease the loss and pain, I still remember the day so vividly. The kids still say Jason's name even though we never met your wonderful man, they often ask me how you are.
Much love every day Tracy, Riley and Abby

Handmade in the Bay said...

Tracy, in the last two years, you have been to hell and back. I think Jason will be looking down, amazed at how you and the kids are doing, and would be so proud of you all. He'll be very excited that you have reached one of your big dreams in the last few months, and that another is a work in progress. Huge hugs to you all, I think of you often, you amaze me with your strength.

Leonie said...

Tracy, my beautiful friend. Thank you for sharing the reality with us.
Unless we walk in your shoes we can never truly understand what you have been/are going through.
You know I think you are an amazing person, you astound me with your strength, motivation, love for your kids. Im sure Jason would be so incredibly proud of you.
Thinking of you today as you sit in the beautiful garden dedicated to Jason's memory. Love to you, Riley and Abbey.

mandyb said...

oh mate~!!!!!
i cannot relate to the loss or th sadness of losing someone close!!! but my heart breaks when ever i think of you and your pain!!!!

as for the lonliness.....i can relate to it in another way...being single...so my heart is with you then...events with couples are hard...and sometimes you just DONT want to go!!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

so sorry for this sad time....
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sima J said...

*Hugs* to you and your children beautiful lady! Thank you for being so honest and open. I can't imagine what it would be like, but what I do know is that even though you are still grieving, and will always miss your love, you are doing an AMAZING job with your kids. It blows me away how much of an awesome Mum you are - I know it's hard doing it on your own (I did it for 4years) and your beautiful kids are a real testimony to you.
Thinking of you at this particularly sad time xo

Stace said...

xxx